bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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