i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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