If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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