So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
