I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
