im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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