at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
