ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
