Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
