you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
