you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
