new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
