so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
