I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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