dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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