I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you will always have a special place in my vag
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
