So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
