I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
