just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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