if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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