dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
