you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
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They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
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I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.