Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?