what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
You smell like a Billy Joel song
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
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she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
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You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.