I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
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Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
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I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with