Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
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Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I have peed in a lot of sinks
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE