Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
