I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
