You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
