is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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