2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
