How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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