girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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