The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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