fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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