toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
