I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
