Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Houston, we have a blender
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
God I need to hump something, right now.
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