Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
