Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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