Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The Olympian is in my bed
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
