I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
