my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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