seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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