I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
