Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
50% drunk capacity currently
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
