Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
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after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
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I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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