Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize