That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
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Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
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Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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