she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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