am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
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she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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