I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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