i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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