4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
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I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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