I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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