oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
